Top Ten Tips for Asking for What We Want
How often have we passed up the opportunity to ask for something for fear of that all resounding “NO!”?
We are living in a society where asking for what we want is somehow forthright or self-centred. I live the UK and grew up in a society where asking for things was seen as wrong. “Ask and You Won’t Get.” This notion is not a new notion but one that perfectly mirrors society’s values and collective belief. From one perspective, it can be seen as a positive thing: a child should be grateful for what they have and not seek to desire more. The idea behind it being that one should be satisfied and appreciative for what they have. However there is a fundamental difference between never desiring more and being appreciative for what we have.
Whilst I don’t agree that a child should be bought whatever they want simply because they have asked or shrieked over and over again for it, I do believe that we all have a fundamental right to ask for the things that we desire, require, need or want without fear. This notion that we should not ask for things can be quite limiting and damaging as we start to file our Needs, Wants and Desires into the “unattainable dream” shelf and harbour resentment and unfulfilled desires. When we hold in our suppressed Needs, Wants and Desires we can start to breed a Rottweiler inside. It can take the smallest thing to occur for it to snap at those we love. Don’t let the Rottweiler win!
“Ask and You Won’t Get” is a notion that we are taught at home, in schools and sometimes in the workplace. How many of your Needs, Wants and Desires are shelved in the ‘miscellaneous cabinet?’ Fear stops us from progression, stops us from grasping opportunities and unlocking doors to our rightful paths. Had we only asked we may have received that, pay rise, received that promotion, received that puppy in the window we so desperately wanted and perhaps received that love we deserved. Although we may not always get what we ask for, it allows us the opportunity to achieve our goals, create our happiness and seek fulfilment.
Asking for what we Need, Want and Desire in a relationship is fundamental to building solid foundations. Too often we exist within relationships never asking for anything and expecting men to know what it is that we want and need. Having broken up with a long-term boyfriend and having a heart to heart almost a year later, I clearly remember saying to him, “I never asked you for anything.” His reply was simply, “Well how can you complain about not getting something you didn’t ask for in the first place?” For a moment I paused. He was right! If I asked for what I needed and wanted in the first place, I may have got just that!
Things To Remember For Asking For What You Want in a Relationship
~ Asking for what you want doesn’t make you needy. It makes you assertive and honest.
~Asking for what you want allows you to be honest with both your partner and more importantly yourself. If you don’t know what your needs and wants are why or how should he?
~Unfortunately men are not telepathic.
~Never apologise for your needs and wants. You are entitled to have them.
~Just as you are entitled to have needs and wants remember your man isn’t entitled to fulfil them.
~ Whilst compromise is important for a balanced relationship, don’t ever sacrifice your needs and wants completely. If you are unfulfilled you cannot be happy. It is important for your partner to value the things that are important to you.
~Be thankful for all the positive aspects of your relationship and voice your appreciation.
~Focus on what he is ‘getting right’ not on what he isn’t.
~Never dishonour yourself by keeping quiet about your needs, wants and desires. You are important.
~Don’t let that Rottweiler win!
Check out Daniella Blechner’s book Mr Wrong and get the Mr Wrong Work Book full of exercises, quizzes and meditations to help you let go of Mr Wrong and Discover the Inner You!
For more information on Needs, Wants and Desires check out Daniella’s 7 Steps to Creating the Greatest Version of You workshop at www.daniellablechner.com (you can buy signed copies of her books here too)
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