“What is Love?” I naïvely asked a group of pubescent teenage Year 9 boys. As I stood at the whiteboard ready to elicit ideas, I wasn’t prepared for the response that would stay with me for the rest of my life.
“Loving an imperfect person perfectly” replied 14 year old Nikesh, unfazed by the wisdom that glided so effortlessly out of his mouth. I stood still in my tracks. Yes! That is exactly what it is. It was then I realised that there are many different types of Love and that Love does not always have to be an outward projection, but something that exists within. Love is something we must exercise internally. For if we cannot Love and accept ourselves as imperfect people, with all our flaws; quirks; warts and all, how can we possibly Love and accept others unconditionally?
At this time I was a young teacher with bags under my eyes from the sleepless nights endured after being dumped unceremoniously by a man who I’d thought was my knight in shining armour. Unbeknown to me, two years later, I would find out he was engaged the entire 10 months of our relationship. His armour was his ‘costume’ and it certainly wasn’t shining! Although this was clearly laid out in front of me and I could now see the red flags, I wanted to skin teet’ and believe the sky was green when it was blatantly blue! At the time, I was riddled with regret and insecurity. I berated myself, criticised myself and believed myself to be unworthy. As I wrote Nikesh’swords on the board I realised that it was I who did not Love myself perfectly. It was I who did not realise what I truly deserved and certainly had no clue as to what I was worth.
Sometimes we become so embroiled in what is wrong with us that we forget to appreciate and cherish all that is great. We abandon our own values and value and allow ourselves to be validated by the views of others. Loving ourselves as imperfect people and honouring who we are and what we valueis the key to creating and manifesting all that is great within us. Here are the first 2 of my 7 Steps to Creating the Greatest Version of You workshop.
What Are My Values?
Everyone has values and these values vary from person to person. The word “value” derives from the Old French, feminine past participle of valoir ‘be worth’ and originates from Latin valere. Values are the core beliefs and principles that you live by or a personal “moral code”. Just as the word value comes from the word “worth” our values should reflect what we deem to be worthy.
How many of us have focused on, or have been influenced by society’s ideals of having a “tall, dark and handsome man” time and time again only to end up with a good looking Mr Wrong? Are we focusing on just the exterior or do we have deeper values beyond that? How clear are you on your own values? It’s easy to assume that Mr Good-Looking will treat you like a Princess and be the man of your dreams, however how important is getting to know a man and examining his values and beliefs about love and relationships?
Being clear on our values will allow us to establish and identify what is important to us. This does not mean we have to have exactly the same values as our partner but it is essential that we are able to respect and accept them. Remember, just as the word ‘value’ means ‘worth,’ it’s important to find someone who sees your values and beliefs as worthy of respect. You are of value too.
Own Your Needs, Wants and Desires
Needs, Wants and Desires are very essential in relationships. Everybody has Needs, Wants and Desires that they would like to have fulfilled. The question is how often do we remember them? Have they ever been written down? In some cases they haven’t even been recognised or identified until we are treated badly. Just as we set out our values and Needs, Wants and Desires we must also ensure that we are demonstrating them in our day to day lives. We attract what we reflect.
What are the Differences between Needs, Wants and Desires?
Needs are essential prerequisites that are required to survive in a situation. They are the basics as it were, something we literally cannot do without. For example, we need air to breathe and food to sustain us, and in the context of a relationship, we all have a basic need to be loved and a basic need for respect.
Wants are things we would like to have but can survive without. For example, I want a car but as I live in London and am close to an abundance of transport links I do not NEED one desperately. Wants in relationships are not essential to physical survival but are essential to emotional and spiritual well-being.
Desires are add-ons, things we really, really want but that are not necessary for our survival or our happiness. They are luxuries, the icing on the cake that we crave and deep down dream of and yearn for. For example I desire to go to Cuba this summer, visit Brazil and camp out in the Amazon, however practicalities and real life means that I may not necessarily get to do these things just yet! Desires are something to aim for and never give up on.
Once we own and recognise our Needs, Wants and Desires we have a greater understanding of who we are and what or who we want to attract.In turn we may begin to attract the things that we need and want. These exercises are not restricted to Love and Relationships but can work in any area of your life. Now I’m just awaiting my trip to Cuba!
Here are the 7 Steps in full
What Are My Values?
Own Your Needs, Wants and Desires
Manifest Your Intentions
Reawaken My Vision
Love. Live. Laugh
“You draw in maximum happiness when you are in alignment with the Greatest Version of You!”- ME!
For more info on the 7 Steps to Creating the Greatest Version of You Workshop or to book, visit www.daniellablechner.com or
You can also get signed copies of Mr Wrong, Mr Wrong Work Book and 7 Shades of Love at www.daniellablechner.com/books
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